


What My Heart Yearns For

by spazzgirl



Series: Our Love's a Tragedy [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Hurt Natasha Romanov, Hurt Steve Rogers, Living with Regret, romanogers - Freeform, total angst fest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 11:18:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7265983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spazzgirl/pseuds/spazzgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>for a man who had everything, his heart still yearned for someone</p>
            </blockquote>





	What My Heart Yearns For

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mylifeisloki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mylifeisloki/gifts).



> After writing something fluffy, here's something angsty!! Yay!!!!
> 
> For Terri aka mylifeisloki
> 
> Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of any characters used

”ZEMO!” The master swordsman turned around as the super soldier called out to him. “Hand over the Reality Stone now!”

Zemo couldn’t help but laugh. “In your dreams Captain America.” He grinned under his mask. “Why don’t I show you the power of the Reality Stone dear captain?” Steve’s arch nemesis held the yellow stone out as it began to glow. “For a man who claims to everything, there is something or rather _someone_ you still desire, yearn for captain.”

“I’m a married man Zemo, there’s nothing in this world that I want!”

Zemo laughed again. “You say that now captain, but the Reality Stone will show you what your heart truly desires!”

Steve found himself blinded in a white light before he blacked out.

****

The first thing that Steve woke up to was the sound of birds chirping. He groaned as the warmth of the sun shone upon his body, making him get up. Steve ended up getting ready for the day, after showering he put on a pair of blue jeans and a grey shirt. He headed downstairs and noticed his wife was nowhere to be seen.

“Sharon?” He turned around and kept calling her name. “Sharon where are you?”

His ears pricked as he heard the sound of laughter coming from the backyard. He noticed that this wasn’t the apartment he shared with his wife. Instead it was freshly cut green grass that he spotted and white picket fences.

“Daddy!”

 _“Daddy?”_ Steve nearly fell over as a small body ran into him wrapping small arms around his waist. He found himself looking down to a carbon copy of himself but there was only two things that stood out to him. The nose and the eyes ( _especially_ the eyes) the child had. Those were features that he loved on a certain person.

The small boy smiled up at him his eyes sparkling. “You’re finally up daddy!”

Steve assumed that this child was five years old at most. He felt like this was some sort of dream but that didn’t stop him from putting a gentle hand on his “son’s” head. “Sorry kiddo, guess I was just tired.”

The smaller blond giggled. “Mommy said you were getting old.”

“Did she,” the bigger blond grinned.

“Well how else was I supposed to explain about our nightly activities to him?” Steve’s heart stopped as he heard a familiar voice. He found himself staring towards the woman who he gave his heart to. “Morning soldier.”

There she stood looking so beautiful in that light pink flower dress wearing a white hat to keep her shaded from the sun. No matter what reality this was, he still found her the most beautiful woman on earth.

“Nat?” He breathed out.

The spy walked to him and cupped his face. “Everything alright soldier?”

“Everything’s fine,” his eyes softened, “everything’s alright now.”

“Good, I hate to think that there was something wrong.”

Steve chuckled. “Never, not when you’re here.” He couldn’t help but lean down and kiss her. Steve moaned forgetting how good her lips felt against his own. How much he missed being near her. Pulling away he noticed that she was wearing an engagement ring and wedding ring.

“You always do that.”

He looked back up at her. “Do what?”

“Look at my rings, as if you still can’t believe we’re married.”

“I’m sorry love,” he brought up his left hand and his thumb stroke her cheek. His own ring shining in the sunlight. “Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m awake or dreaming.”

Nat giggled. “Only what you’re heart wants is what you should believe in.”

“Nat.”

Steve could hear another voice call out to him.

_“Steve, please wake up.”_

“Nat, I don’t want to wake up.”

Her eyes softened. “I know, but you have to, you know that what you’re seeing isn’t true.” She placed her hand on his heart. “This is just what your heart is yearning for.”

****

Steve woke up to the worried face of his wife.

 _“Sharon,”_ he mentally told himself. A groan escaped his lips as he sat up and noticed he was in a hospital. “How long have I been out for?”

“Almost a day,” she cupped his cheek. “I thought I lost you.”

“I’m sorry babe.” Steve felt his heart ache. _“You’re married Steve but yet your heart still yearns for her.”_ He looked around. “What happened with Zemo?”

“He got away but not after Romanoff managed to snatch the Reality Stone away from him.”

Steve’s eyes widened. “Where’s Nat?”

“Nat?” Sharon tilted her head. “You haven’t called her that in years.”

He could tell how hurt she was when he called his former lover her nickname. “I’m sorry hon.”

Sharon smiled. “It’s okay, I know you worry for your teammates too much. She’s in another room with Bucky, she just woke up too.”

****

Steve found himself looking through the windows of SHEILD headquarters. He was currently in his office and had just finished writing his report. He turned around as he heard a knock on the door.

“Come in.”

The door opened and he found himself looking at the red head walking in. “Rogers.”

“Romanoff,” he hated calling her by her last name.

“You wanted to see me.”

Steve inwardly winced at her icy cold tone and his gaze hardened at the sight on her engagement ring. “You were hit by the Reality Stone too, weren’t you?”

Nat stiffened and her eyes became ice cold. “What we saw was nothing more than an illusion.”

“But it was real Nat,” he could see her eyes soften a bit, “you and I both know that. Zemo told me that the Reality Stone had the ability to show what we desired, what our heart yearns for.”

“Steve, you and I have to forget what we saw. You understand that?”

“But can’t we at least just talk about it! How we had a son in that reality!”

She clenched and unclenched her fists. “It was a dream and nothing more Rogers. Stop living in a child fantasy and grow up. You’re married and I’m engaged, that’s it.”

“But we both know that we can never lie about the desires of the heart.”

Nat narrowed her eyes at him. “If there’s nothing else, then I’m leaving now Captain Rogers.”

He watched her walk out, like those years ago and he did nothing about it.

_How many times can a man fail before he can get what he yearns for?_

****

He didn’t expect himself to end up in this cabin he built years ago. During the years he and Nat became secret lovers and how he built this cabin upstate New York for them. It became their getaway, stolen kisses, passionate nights, their own little world where it was nothing but the two of them. How he wanted to propose to her in this very cabin. For nearly a month he hid himself in this cabin right after Nat left his office after the Reality Stone incident. Steve knew he was being a coward for running away, but he needed to be alone. He knew that he was worrying his wife.

_But she isn’t the woman I wanted to marry_

Steve always thought he’d marry a woman whose hair matched her personality, _fire_ and never backed down. She challenged him, she made him belong, and she loved him when he was lost, guided him and became his light in the darkness. He was married and she was promised to another.

_Life’s never fair and we always live with the choices we regret_

He hated himself for not doing enough to make her stay. All he had to do was tell her what he was feeling, that she was the one his heart yearned for. In the end his duty to be a good man costed him and watched her walk away into the arms of his long lost best friend, Bucky. So Steve found solace in Sharon’s arms.

_It’s for the best_

_Everyone moves on_

One mistake after another when he saw the pain in Nat’s eyes when he announced his engagement to the blonde woman. How hurt he was when he didn’t see her amongst the crowd during his wedding. The pain in his heart when Bucky smiled about Nat agreeing to marry him. How both formers lovers found each other during the dead of night. The harsh words that were exchanged from the both of them. Steve kept repeating to himself that there was no going back, how sinful it was to want a woman when you were a married man. He tried his best to hide the pain in his heart.

“I thought I’d find you here,” he looked up as she stood across the table.

“What are you doing here?” His blue eyes became ice.

Nat took a seat across from him. “Everyone’s worried about you. Sharon’s worried, you know your _wife_?”

“And what about your _fiancé_ ,” he sneered, “isn’t he worried that you left.”

She snorted, “He knows I can take care of myself.” The red head was hesitant about grabbing his hand. “Why did you run off?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Her eyes narrowed. “That’s different.”

“Is it? How was leaving me different than leaving Sharon.”

“Because you belong to her.”

Steve got up and slammed the palms of his hands on the table. “I belonged to _you_.. _we_ belong to each other, to one another. And you left me!”

“You have to go back to her Steve, you have to, as your duty as her husband.”

“And if I don’t?”

She got up and glared at him. “I won’t hesitate to drag you back myself and you know that.”

“Answer my question first, why did you leave me?”

She looked away. “I can’t answer that.”

“You can’t or you _won’t_. There’s a difference Nat.”

“I don’t deserve you. You deserved someone that’s better, someone who can give you everything you wanted. She’s perfect for you and-.”

“And you’re not?” He walked around until he was standing next to her, forcing her to face him. “Nat,” his voice so gentle, “you were always perfect for me.”

“I will never be perfect for you Steve.”

“Why, because you said so? What gave you the right to make choices for me? Does my opinion not count? Does my love for you not matter? Tell me Nat because I’m so sick of living with so much regret.”

She placed her hands on his chest. “You’re too good for me Steve. I could never be _good_ enough for you. I can’t give you what you want.”

_A family_

“That little boy we saw, he was ours. Maybe somewhere, someplace we had him. But he was _ours_ Nat, a child created from our love.” Steve buried his face in her hair. “All I ever wanted was you. All I ever yearned for was you.” He cupped her face his eyes still showing the love he had for her despite being buried after all these years.

“Steve we can’t.”

“Just for one night,” the back of his knuckles brushed against her cheek. “For one night let it just be us.” He took of his wedding ring and he took off her engagement ring and placed it on the table. “One night I belong to you and you,” Steve slipped on the engagement ring he had bought for her and placed his dog tags around her neck, “belong to me Natalia.” The way he called her by her true name was so different than the way Bucky did. How Steve calling her true named with so much gentleness in his voice, so much love and affection her heart ached.

Their lips met with unrestrained passion. The pent up love they buried deep within their hearts finally released. Steve moaned as he missed the feel of her lips against his own. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her to their room. Clothes were thrown hazardously across the room. Skin on skin, their flesh melting against one another as hands roamed all over each other. Their names whispering throughout the night. They found comfort in each other’s arms, even if it was just for one night. Finally right where they belonged, with one another and no one else.

Nat cried as he whispered loving words into her ears. Steve moaned as she kissed him with so much passion he felt himself drowning. For one night they gave themselves to one another.

Steve woke up the next morning, looking to the side he noticed that Nat was no longer there. He spotted the engagement ring he bought for her and his dog tags. The super soldier could feel his heart aching and knew that he would have to suppress everything again once he returned home. Sitting up he buried his face in his hands.

Zemo was right

Despite having everything he didn’t have _everything_

He didn’t have the one person he wanted, desired and yearned for. Steve wasn’t a man out of time, he was just a man that was lost.

**Author's Note:**

> was gonna write something fluffy but I needed angst
> 
> hur hurr


End file.
